I love Meryl Streep.

Due to Christmas present research, I ended up reading a bunch of archived entries tonight. Old entries make me feel so nostalgic and grateful. I ended up writing e-mails to a couple friends telling them how much I appreciate their friendship.

Kali, I found one entry, written at the end of a semester, lamenting how sad it was that I would not see you five times a week anymore. Can you believe we used to see each other almost every day of the week and hang out on some weekends, too? I miss that a lot.

Most of all, I discovered that I've changed in huge ways. Simultaneously, I realize that things I love, I will love pretty much always.

Changes:
1. What the hell was wrong with my grammatical and writing skills? There were some entries I couldn't comprehend. The run-on sentences and lack of commas killed me. Maybe that's why I use commas so profusely now. My writing skills have transformed since I was nineteen.

2. I was so honest about everything. I wrote a lot of entries about being an angry, crazy person. I feel like most of my entries are carefully filtered these days. Coincidentally, one of the goals I wrote down earlier this evening is about wanting to be more genuine. Funny huh? At the same time, I'm glad. I often wrote rather awfully "honest" things, like describing being mad at a friend that READ THIS JOURNAL.

3. I'm so much more practical and finance-focused these days. I was like a completely different person when it came to deciding what I wanted and how I wanted to spend money. I'm much more focused on the big picture and the impact of small decisions.

4. My friends and I communicated so much more when we were just procrastinating students.

Observations:

1. I pretty much love the same music, books, T.V. shows, and games. It's so weird. I notice there are things I ask for almost every Christmas. It's so weird to see that.

2. Our trio basically was meant to be. One moment Julie and I hit it off. Then, seconds later, the trio quickly formed over pizza and anthropology. Then it was just a matter of weeks before we were buying each other gifts, spending tons of time together, and forming our traditions forever. For so many relationships, this kind of thing burns and fades when the semester ends or you graduate. But it's just gone on and on. Aren't we so lucky girls?

3. We kind of began over Livejournal. Livejournal was starting to fade in importance in my life. Truthfully, it began to fade months ago. Now, I realized the place it had in forming and cementing our friendship. It also is a record of so many funny things that happened. I resolve to write more often! Burn Facebook, you impersonal, superficial, commercialized pulp, burn.

4. I've love and grown with Thomas is so many ways. Yet, so many things stay the same. Like my two best friends, we met and things just clicked. I'm so happy for all our memories and our new (married) perspective on them.

5. This one is sad: I'm always struggling to be about 120 pounds. I lose weight, get complacent, and gain about 20 or 30 pounds before I reign it in. I've only done it succesfully in a healthy way once, but that's fresh in my memory.

6. I'm stupid and angry still. That sucks.

Nostalgia, won't you let me go? It is now time for bed. I have slept three hours since yesterday. I need you sleep!

Apparently the panic from trying to register for graduation and finding no degree program listed was worth it. I was informed by ASU today that the reason I have no degree program listed is that my degree has "retroactively" been posted for the Spring of '09. Hurray! I have a Master's degree in Curriculum and Instruction! Finally.

This comes in handy, as I may be starting a new job soon that is directly related to my degree (wonders will never cease). The job is for curriculum development and is a bona fide real job with health insurance, retirement, and a salary. A salary!!! A friend is putting a good word for me in the company, so unless something goes terribly wrong, I have a very good chance of getting the position.

I almost just ignored the whole thing so I can sell hot dogs, but the lure was too strong. I'm just not very brave I suppose. But the potential for having fun in a job that allowed me to work in education, but not teach public school is just so appealing. I still want to start my own business, but Thomas pointed out that we could do it together on weekends. So don't give up on the hot dogs quite yet!

This weekend is going to be a blast. The girls and I are going to be treated to Julie's delicious food preparation skills (notice I did not say cooking, LOL). Then, we're going out for a movie. I've got to work tomorrow, but having fun at the end of the day makes it better.

BTW...Hey Kali. We miss you terribly much!!!! We talked about you lots on Wednesday night when we met up at Changing Hands. December is just around the corner missy.

Today I figured out why I'm enjoying work a lot more now. On the special project, I get to decide what to do for the most part all day long. If it's very busy, I jump on the phones and help a couple people out. Then I go back to processing orders to meet the deadline. I think work starts to get to me when it's repetitive. Maybe that's why the third month of the three jobs I've had have always been kind of painful. Teaching's repetitiveness came from having to deal with the same irresponsible attitudes and authority-battles that happened daily. In the regular freshman class, they were mostly well-behaved, but teaching the same material three times for the second year got boring unless I truly loved the scene or chapter. I think the ideal teaching situation for me would be teaching completely different classes and texts with small classes of mixed populations (not just honors and not just remedial). It would be hard to lesson plan for that many classes, but I'd never be bored. Repetition seems to be all across the board in definition. It doesn't matter if it's a brain job or an admin job.

Maybe years of deciding what to accomplish and when spoiled me for the rest of my life. I won't ever be satisfied with jobs where you have to perform the same activities over and over again without variation. I'm hoping starting a business will give me the freedom to choose. Wearing lots of hats I've never worn before can be daunting, but it won't be boring.

Thomas is home!

Today at work was really fun. I am hoping things will feel like this every day until I begin running my business full-time. I'm part of a special project where we process orders, research why orders did not get processed correctly, and make calls relating to both activities. Then, mostly, we just hang out all day and talk as long as we get the work done. It's rather lovely. I still have to take calls when we're really busy, but today that meant about two hours before spending the rest of the day on sweet project work. I get to spend all day with the best people at work, the ones that are smart and good at the job.

Tomorrow we're going to Prescott as soon as we wake up and leave. We'll stay at a resort and have lots of fun in the woods. I hope it's warm enough to swim in the pool lots. I'm a little sick, but I don't care.

So my goals for next week to get my business going is to apply for a business license and open a business bank account. Then I can start making business purchases and get taxed as such for those purchases. I'm thinking of creating my own website, so I can keep my techy skills growing while I do this and learn some more.

Before I go, I want to record that Julie eating the oysters made my week! I knew it was a terrible idea the moment she announced she was ordering oysters. But I know Julie, and I didn't want to be the one that made her too scared to get oysters. Ohh!!! The look on her face when she stared down on the RAW bits of gooey sea slug was hilarious. Here's to brave Julie and unique Cassandra.

Time to pack, etc. Have a lovely three-day weekend people!

I changed my name and fixed the toilet.

Today, life is good!

Step 1: Pick up strawberries and milk chocolate dip on the way home from work.

Step 2: Shower and get dressed up with make-up. Prepare the camelpack.

Step 3: Walk to park, stop at the lake.

Step 4: Play cards by the lake. Eat strawberries. Take memorable pictures.

Step 5: Walk home and take the car to get cheap chinese food.

I'm so excited!!!

In other good news, we're going to Prescott on the 5th using a comp night at a resort. A friend didn't need them, and they thought of us! Joy.

Julie needs to go to sleep, and I need to wake up. I'm so depressed and not myself that it's becoming alarming. I don't even smile as much. One of my friends at work was very concerned today. He said, "What happen to the bubbly, go-lucky Tina?" I really don't want to turn into a bitter, pessimistic person. My whole life has been based in optimism. Today, I had a customer that was a teen girl who sounded so cheerful, humming and chatting, that it made me ashamed. I thought, I use to be like that. Why am I not anymore? It's really stupid that I am upset about my job and treating it like shit and upset the entire time I'm there. I'm so lucky to have a job. Plus, I get to surf the internet all day long and my labor is using my brain to solve internet and computer problems. It's not really that bad. One day I hope I'll do a lot better, but in terms of an in-between job, this isn't the worst job I could have. Maybe I should stay with this job until I figure out what I want? Or is that a cop-out? I'm afraid I only want to open a hot dog stand, because I hate my job, not because I want to sell hot dogs. At the same time, I could be using this as an excuse not to do something that takes courage. Argh!

T&I have a retirement plan/dream/goal based on a rental business idea. We want to get started ASAP. It's nice to have some direction along that front, but what should I do? I know what we'll do, but what should I do in the meantime? Should I stay at this job, not take so much time off, and work to get a permanent position with benefits? Save up money and put it all into the rental business? Or should I figure out what I want to do, and save whatever money, hopefully some money, I make from that? Should I open a hot dog stand? Will I enjoy selling hot dogs outside with varying degrees of busy times and slow times? I love being outside, but would I get bored not having to use my brain as much? How many jobs really require you to use your brain? Should I take it one step at a time, doing the best I can with this low-cost start-up business, and look for other business opportunities as they come?

It's hard to make a decision when what I'm doing now is so unappealing. But being depressed about work should not make me feel like this dream is not worth it. I'm going to my best to cut out this current job as a consideration, because it's apparent I don't like it, and think about my hot dog business as its own worth. Would I enjoy it? Will the positive parts of the job- independence, flexibility, opportunity for growth, potential for money- enough to overcome the negatives- working outside all day, long hours, working weekends, and periods of slow and rush hour business? When I think about it, I feel so excited for its potential. I could one day operate many locations or open a restaurant or use the money to run some other business I find one day I love. There's...possibility. Isn't that all one hopes to attain? Possibilities and possibilities and possibilities. Never ending possibility!

Thomas and I have chosen a destination for our honeymoon...

Disney World Orlando

It's Walt's dream of Disney after he had experimented with L.A. He went all out with Orlando, and it's HUUGE compared to Disneyland. I've been to Disneyland several times since I was a little kid, so I am simultaneously intimidated and thrilled by the thought of its genius little brother.

Best of all, we're going on our honeymoon finally, and it'll be a blast!

*Not sure exactly when we'll be going. Thomas is going to find out about his paid time off, and it may be at the end of the year or early 2010.

The week is over!

This has been a terrible week for me. As I've heard it, Cassandra also had a lackluster week with her job quickly ending and the impending move back to her parents looming at the end of the month. Julie seems stressed with work and overwhelmed. It doesn't help that she's volunteering to teach classes. She takes on too much at times.

My week was really bad because of a lot of random reasons associated with a feeling of misdirection after seeing my parents last week. I think I'm the better for it. Now if I start my business, it will be with a greater awareness and less idealism. After everything, the fact that it's still a lively option for me tells me that if I do it, I'm doing it because I really want to do it.

My job is getting better, as much as a call center can really get. I received training yesterday for a project that will take me off the phones for most of the day if not all of it. If I improve my attitude and really push for it, getting a permanent position would mean benefits, four weeks of paid time off, and other nice benefits including having a real job! But I'm absolutely certain that, whatever the benefits, this is not what I want to do with life even for a year or two.

I've never run my own business, but the independence appeals to me. Why not try it out? It doesn't mean I'll succeed, but I can get experience in what it's like to run a business and make decisions that have daily affects. The alternative is to go back to school to get some degree or run from job to job until I find the one that doesn't suck.

Time to head to my parents for my grandma's bday party. It'll be nice to see my brothers!

I'm very, very confused. Last night I went to my parents house with Thomas. I had a bad feeling about the night; I don't know why. I love my parents, but the night had an ominous aura about it. So after dinner, (which was amazing btw), my parents ended up talking to us for about two hours about businesses and the hot dog stand. My dad remained supportive on the surface about me opening that branch of business if I had no better ideas, just to get a start. I think he wants me to start a business, but he's not sure this is one that would be the most profitable given the demands and sacrifices it requires. My mom said that the business is a hard one, and usually meant for blue-collar workers who wanted out and didn't have the education to back them up with better business opportunities. She said it's the kind of start she and my dad had because they spoke "broken" English and bad Spanish, and had to work with their bodies instead of their minds. She advised that I should use my education and brains to create a business or get a better job opportunity, instead of resigning myself this young to something physically demanding.

I'm not sure what to think. I mean, I agree with my mom. It is a bit of a downer that the business is really meant for people who want to get a start in business, but don't have a lot of resources or the degrees to back them up. Pretty much anyone can buy a hot dog stand and sell food. It'd be nice to come up with a creative idea and do something that few others can do. But the hot dog stand or selling goods at the flea market seemed doable. It seemed like something I could grasp and accomplish if I worked hard. Whereas white collar ideas seem to have a higher fail rate. I guess I'm just not very creative. I have doubts my degree can really get me anywhere, because I know so many English degree holders, and really it's what you know and who you know, not the degree that gets you a nice job.

I'm going to mull on this for awhile. Maybe what I can do is do more research and wait for the economy to improve a little before I make the next step. I liked selling hot dogs more than selling retail mostly because right now retail is suffering. But if I waited 6 months to a year, the retail market might improve enough for it to be worth investing in. Thomas still thinks I'll be happier, because I despise working for others. He said he didn't care if we didn't make any money if I liked what I did everyday. I had this dream where I could do work and create something of my own. It doesn't have to be hot dogs or sunglasses or shirts. But those seemed more concrete than the more artsy fartsy options.

If I were to sell my brain instead of my muscle, what would I sell? I suppose I'd sell the ability to put words together, my ability with computers, and my friendliness. I had a copywriting business idea once, but I really didn't know how to start, so it just fizzed up. Well, the next chapter of this will have to wait till later, because I'm fresh out.

I wake up every morning buzzing with my business idea. My first conscious thought always seems to be an extension of an internal discussion or debate, so my only conclusion is that I must dream about my business as well. Yesterday felt like a very productive day: from finishing tests for the M.Ed to meeting with a distributor for hot dogs, and finally ending the evening with a fun party at Vesta's. The distributor was very helpful. He didn't just give us a price sheet for the hot dogs and condiments, but he gave us names to contact for insurance, bread, and the cart. He gave us advice on how to begin and places we could talk to about setting up the stand. He showed us his cart and how he does it. He's a distributor, but he also still runs his hot dog stand, so he really knows the business and was incredibly helpful. Instead of manning a regular location, he does special events and catering. Today he's doing a baby shower. With all the legal paperwork I had to get done, I assumed it would take months to get everything done. But he said it could be as fast as 30 days, if I stayed on top of it all. This would be great if I could get started doing events and manning special locations on weekends and after work before I figured out if I wanted to do a daily location and, if so, what location would be ideal.

The party seemed to go very well. We showed up in time for nachos, cake, and some sliding down the water slide. It was a very impressive water slide. Oryan was very tired at the end, but so cute! The house Vesta is living at is where Thomas grew up. You can see city sky scrapers from the backyard--so beautiful and mystical against the black night.

Uh-oh! Must run...Thomas has Bones one for us.
 

Sooo, I'm 22-years-old, 23 in November.

I've been a library page, a community volunteer, student, English teacher, copywriter, and tech support representative. I grew up in a small business family, working the flea market, then clothing store, then TV repair shop, then a business in the after-market car stereo industry. I've wanted to be a writer, a traveling independent, a biologist, a newspaper editor, a lawyer, and a stage manager. Next year, I'm going to run my own business. I'm starting small, with a hot dog stand either near the downtown university or across from the courthouse. The people around me have mixed reactions, good and bad. Thomas is very supportive. My dad is excited and wants to help. My mom is skeptical that it's lucrative. Thomas's dad worked closely with street vendors in the area, and he offers advice and direction. My friends don't know what to make of it. People at work are a bit confused. The negative reactions annoy me, but they also makes me feel more confident in a way. My dad once said that one way you know you're doing something extraodinary with your life is when people don't understand what you do. My parents have met resistance from family and friends every step of the way, but they've carved out a pretty extraordinary life considering their circumstances. Maybe this is a sign that I'm finally doing something that takes guts instead of something comfortable.

Still, I'm excited to create something of my own.

I love taking walks after it's been raining. It has to be just right, low heat and low humidity, but just enough water in the air that you can suck in the after-rain aroma, a mixture of wet grass and concrete and somewhat cleaner air. I put on my good friend Pandora and feel like I'm invincible. That, to me, is what life is all about. Taking walks and feeling on top of the world. And like the Cat Steven's song, I truly do sing out (and dance out or hop or twist and turn) whenever I want to. That was yesterday, and maybe I'll go tonight as well. Husband and I can both sleep in tonight since I don't have to work tomorrow. I love having Saturday off, even if it's to take a test. You know you're out of school when taking a final exam is taking a break.

They've discovered a sleep gene mutation that allow some people to function normally on 6 or fewer hours of sleep. I want to read the study. It's hard for me to believe that those people don't suffer mentally in some way, because it's just not fair. Do they get more life? I know I don't have the gene. My mom and Julie might. I'm also interested in the nature of sleep. It's such a weird thing if you think about it. Maybe people with the mutated gene have faster processers. They download information in a shorter amount of time.

So life married. The good: I love seeing him every day. It's like having a sleepover with your best friend every night, except it's forever. So sometimes we don't get a lot of sleep, but we almost always have fun. We watch Bones most nights in, sometimes during dinner. We make plans and just do them spontaneously. You get to talk about other people and roll your eyes, and dream about the future. I know I'm not alone in what I do. We get to hug and talk constantly. We're a team, and whatever bad happens, we're in it together. I can be completely honest and tell him what I really feel about everything. The bad: it's hard to always have a witness to your life's up and downs. This next one is both good and bad; I use to be accountable to just me and felt a lot of self-reliance, so it's hard to give up some control to someone else. You get sorta lazy that way, but also trusting.

HI lady who is not on Skype right now even though she is logged in...

I MISS YOU KALI!!!!!!!

In Jane Eyre, Jane steps out of the story to comment that almost ten years of her life has passed in as many chapters. I'm pretty sure that I'm in a new chapter of life right now. I hope I make it interesting. Well, I hope it's Interesting, but not in terms of literary greatness with all the murder, tragedy, and betrayal. I don't want to be Shakespeare or a Dean Koontz horror. Ender's Game would not be bad--a lot of strife, but people end joyful and redeemed. I love Jane Austen, but I want my life to go beyond attaining the grand marital match. It would go poorly as I've already been there, done that, and I'm sure there's life after!

If you could pick the author of your life, who would you pick?

I think I might be a Charlotte Bronte girl. I like to be a bit more cheerful, but in the end Jane Eyre is about the growth of a girl not really spectacular to the world. Yet, she fights her battles, overcomes obstacles, and finds peace in the end. It's certainly interesting without gratuitous violence or murder. She's polite, a lady, but she doesn't wilt from politeness like sometimes even Elizabeth Bennett did. How about John Steinbeck? East of Eden is one of my favorite epic novels of all time, but it would be exhausting to be apart of such a large legacy. Every small event, family, or individual in the book is apart of this huge heritage that spans the history of one's ancestors to the future of the descendants. Harry Potter would be stretching more on the side of too much murder, violence, and tragedy for one lifetime.

I'll have to think about this...something to write in Julie's shared journal.

Wedding Countdown Timer provided by Bridal Guide

We know...ceremony decoration, centerpiece ideal, favors, some major songs, colors, table decoration, and the honeymoon destination. Next step: contract with photographer, design example centerpieces and favors, figure out invitations (from paper store prolly), dress, veil, shoes.

I'm halfway through my last full day single.

Work is going to end in a few short hours, three and a half, and then I'm off to the church for decorating and the rehearsal. I'm a little disappointed that we're going right back to work on Monday. It's not entitlement. Honeymoons are luxuries. But it's damn weird how all this waiting and planning and hoping will be over tomorrow night. One day. Four hours really. Then it's. all. over. Wow. Then suddenly I'm in a new house living with someone else. I'm really freaked out actually, but in a high pitched giggle and big smile kind of way.

...I'm back three hours later after listening to calls. Meeting a lot of nice people. Yay.

K, now back to work. Bye! Wedding! Yay!

Lately I've been too tired and lazy to attractify myself. What's the point when I'm just going to get paint all over myself the next day? So I've been going around with my hair smoothed back impatiently and dressed in paint-splattered pants topped with a mismatched shirt worn many days over. When I looked in the mirror once last week, I looked like my mom! Her job requires getting dirty stuffing her arms in car engines and kneeling while wiring behind panels. So I guess at some point, she stopped bothering to put make-up on and dress with style. To be honest, I thought she just didn't know how to match clothes, but I've seen proof in old pictures. She used to dress up in the fashion of the times, wear make-up, and giggle with her sisters. Life happened I guess.

Well, life is not going to happen to me! I'm going to get to style my hair and dress in clothes I like again very, very soon. This house just has to agree with me. I want it to look good faster than it wants to. I think things will improve so much once we get the wood flooring in the great room on Saturday. Painting is taking a long time, because the builders used flat (hard to wash) paint for all the rooms, meaning every wall needs some paint, color or white. I'm using glossy (easy to wash) paint for the guest room in case we have a baby in this house.

My grandma is buying us a couch, so we're going to have an almost real living room in time for the bachelorette party. I've been stressed out trying to make the house perfect, but I think if we can just finish painting, cleaning, and wood flooring, it should be OK enough for guests. I have these standards for how things should go, and I get frustrated when I, the people around me, or inanimate objects are not meeting them.

Today Thomas started his new job, and I found out my schedule. I love, love it. It will be Tuesday-Saturday, 7:30 to 4PM. I got to choose between that and Monday-Friday 6AM-2:30. It was difficult, but in the end, I don't want to wake up at 5AM every morning. That just sounds so unappealing to me. Thomas, who will sleep beside me very soon(!!!!!), agreed that the alarm going off at 6 rather than 5 is a good thing. I start training on May 4 (which will be two weeks of Mon-Fri 6AM-3PM), though, which means I will be working until 3PM the day of the wedding rehearsal. I feel sad that I will not be there for several hours of set-up, since a large part of the wedding is the preparation. But, it will be lovely, I'm sure, as I have so many people helping who are creative and amazing.

Apparently I was supposed to continue studying technical things to prepare for my new job, so I'm going to get right on that. In a little over three weeks, I'll have a new job, a new home, and a new husband. AHH!!! Life is changing really fast, but it doesn't seem to be all that different than life now. I mean, one day comes after the next, and you make plans, set goals, make dinner dates with friends, see movies, and go to work. Things move on even if the biggest day of your life happens. I wish everything wasn't happening at once, because adaptation, even to the a different set of the same circumstances, takes time.