treelife

There's something fundamentally hopeful about a new year. 

At the cusp of each year, I feel shame for this excitement. After all, every day should be a chance to start over. To do something different. To make oneself new again. Yet, I can't help it. "I open at the close." At the close I feel the weight of next year's potential. It's freaking overwhelming.

So this year, like many others, brings that chance for rejuvenation. Life's every imperfection looks different right now. It always does when there is a chance for metamorphosis, a chance for peace.

So, yes, I declare that this year things are going to change. Some things shouldn't change. Some things need a little watering and fertilizer so that they stay good. But others? Well, we'll see. I have my eye on some pretty, shiny things. 

Watch out year. I'm going to rock the hell out of your little boat.

Brian McCabe - The Romans
Brian McCabe
The Romans

Listen up. This is how
We're about to count from now on.

We got a one: I. We got a five: V.
We got a ten: X. We got a fifty: L.
We got a hundred: C. We got a five hundred: D.
Also plus we got a thousand: M.

That's it. That's all we need.
The fuck with dealing out letters
to two three four six seven eight nine,
eleven twelve thirteen etcetera.

Those motherfuckers can go eat shit.
The rule is: you add the little fish
if it comes after the big fish
because the big fish eats it, right?

When the little fish comes before
the big fish, you take it away -
on account of the big fish ain't
ate it yet, okay? Any questions?

Whaddya mean howdya write
one hundred and sixty-four?
Am I talking to myself here?
CLXIV. Dumbfuck.

This means Tony the Scribe
only needs to know seven letters
to run any number we tell him.
Okay, let's go eat Chinese.

(from: Brian McCabe, Zero, Edinburgh: Polygon, 2009.)

For Kali...

This year's girl's Christmas gathering was sweet and fun and full of lovely prezzies. I was moaning in ecstasy in the shower last night with Buffy the Backscratcher. If you think that sounds weird, then you are definitely missing out.

Elf was very cute! I don't think Kali enjoyed all of it, but she wouldn't be our Kali if she didn't roll her eyes at Will Farrell antics.

I got so many thoughtful gifts! From tortellini and Tuscan Wine spaghetti sauce and a Haruki Murakami novel from Cassandra to Steffie's adorable first Christmas ornament for Thomas and me, I felt so loved. Julie gave me a cow, a strawberry pen, a to-do list book, and funds towards New Orleans. Kali got me Labryinth and delicious tea. All the chocolate I got for people from Cost Plus served us well during munchies hour while playing Munchkins at 12:30AM. We had tamales, bean burros, marzipan, and toasted with mulled wine.

Here's to another year of Christmas with the girls. The tradition will continue!

OK, one more thing. (I really, really need to go to bed). I just realized that after Christmas comes the New Year. I get so hung up in Christmas parties, shopping, church, life, etc. that it's so easy to forget. A whole year passed, again. How does it happen?

My life to date, this has been the busiest, life-changing year. I hope to have many more good years.

In a few days, I'll need to do the annual year-end review and maybe think about...resolutions! I don't like that word, resolutions. How about revolutions? I like that. Stay tuned for my New Year's Revolutions.

Good night, world.

They should just give us the entire week off. Years of public school education has already conditioned the thou-shalt-not-be-productive-the-last-two-weeks-of-December rule. Yet, I always feel a great burst of optimism and ambition during the most disruptive seasons (e.g. weight loss goals at the end of October).

It's time for bed. T is sick, so he's already sleeping. I stayed up a little longer to do my first assignment for my accounting class. Accounting, the language of business!

At first I felt ominous about the class. I lean toward topics like "silent horror films of the German Weimar period" or "semiotics of aliens in sci-fi films." You know, completely dorky, film as text classes. But I'm tired of just being the English-major person. It's been nearly four years since college. My spiritually inquisitive friend, Cassandra, inspires me to be more than a stereotype. She's a funny gal sometimes, but she doesn't limit herself to her degree or inclinations. How about the class itself? So far--in the first lesson--the topic actually seems interesting.

Christmas! Hurrah!

My old friend Dale graduates from college in May. His career and finances are off to an amazingly great start for a new grad. He's saved up more than enough to buy a house, and his salary at his current job will increase upon graduation to not quite six digits, but closer than I've ever been. As kids, we both shared optimistic goals, and that was the one constant thing no matter how things changed. Things have certainly changed. It's sad when you sit down with an old friend and realize you have nothing in common anymore. Recently, he posted his ( passions and goalsCollapse )

Following his example, I tried to come up with my own list. But I struggled with it. I don't see life the same way like I did when I was a kid. I have long-term goals certainly and monthly and weekly goals. But lifetime achievement goals? It really depends on how you define success in life. And I just haven't defined it yet. I struggle with this idea of success based on accomplishment or success based on inner growth. I long for inner growth, but our society is very focused on the notches on the belt, which is difficult to ignore. I asked around to for people's ideas of success, and here are the answers I received:

Cassie would like to leave an enduring legacy that survives her lifetime. Whether as an author of a book, the originator of some great idea or change, or as a footnote in some future grad student's paper, she wants her presence to have impacted the world in a lasting way.

Thomas wants to create a life together with his partner. He was to love and be loved. He wants to build a foundation for early retirement and travel to other countries.

Julie said that she'll know if her life was good if she still had people who loved her and whom she loved. If her relationships were in that place, that would be an indication of growth in life.

Kali is probably going to call me back soon to tell me what she thinks.

Dale's list tells me that he defines lifetime achievement in terms of things done, places visited, and peaks reached. My list as a teenager would be very similar. I'm not so sure these days that's what it's all about.

Certainly there are things I want to do, but I'm not sure I'd put them on that kind of list anymore. This list defines what you wake up fighting for in the morning and every single day. It's about aiming for greatness, right?

So awesome.

This week I tried to stay off the computer when I got home for work. For the most part, I think it worked. I actually wrapped most of the Christmas presents and placed them under our big beautiful tree. Oh, want to look?



Yes, beautiful! I love our tree very much. It warms up the entire house with a good, fuzzy feeling and totally makes up for coming home after dark. In the picture you can kind of see our new, colorful tree topper. So far this week we cooked every night, and then I walk and jump around and put in some time on the elliptical trainer a little bit. Tonight I had the excuse of checking on the shipping progress of the last of the gifts, so I succumbed.

Kali is coming home next week! I pledge to see her more often now that she will be so close. I think we should do something weekly, go hiking or bake or do something ritualistic. What do you say Kali? The best part of life and friendship are the traditions you rely on. Of course, come January she leaves us again, but only briefly. Oh! It occurred to me that she will be apart of the circle of journal writing. Hurrah! I hope we don't lose the ritual of the journal writing.

The other day it rained heavily all afternoon. I forget every year how much I love walking through rain drenched streets after dark. It's like a drug, it's so pleasing.

So, I enjoy life these days. I feel very loved by T and enjoy creating our traditions and weekly rituals. I feel close to my family, but they are at a pleasant distance. I can actually breathe and make my own decisions!

On Friday Julie (and maybe some other people) will come over for a game night. I will cook Spaghetti. Hmm, I think I need more garlic bread...

I love Meryl Streep.